I guess honestly I have never been faithful to anything, the idea of doing the same thing for a concentrated amount of time as always lead me heart first into boredom. A new project, most of time was a man, or some lost cause more distraught than myself. I was always drawn to what was broken, something so ugly no one could recognize the value, but i would look deep.. far behind any mass perception. With my limited intellect, and huge God complex I needed to fix and rebuild things I believed deep down were beautiful. This project was another man. A man I could dress up and educate on the value of one's personal truth while viewing themselves. I guess in the process I stop telling myself the truth, and while blindsided I ended up married to him, without realizing all of the pieces weren't in the box.
In the beginning, if i really think about it, I was fat and broken. I had been on medication for almost three years and I had gained so much weight I forgot what it felt like to be beautiful. Being thin all your life can be a curse, when you never expect anything other than that. Looking back now, everything from that stage in my life seems life a blur, one huge prescribed fog, that lead me to this cliff, deciding whether to jump or fly. In the true fashion of of denial, I trained myself into thinking I was fine sleeping with who I wanted to sleep with, impatient with details of commitment. Getting drunk and being lead by any other face that stepped out of my head. . Being a promiscuous woman allows you some temporary since of power and control, you give and take away what really is more common than important. I guess its in that moment, for me it was the moment of Penis Envy.. the chase, the intense moans, the eyes of the stranger intense craving for instant satisfaction, the performance was more intoxicating that the sex itself. The person I would become under her, the salty sweat dripping inside the dip above my lips. The pull from each glaze of the perverted breeze, not heavy enough to sway a tree, yet it was strong enough to blow out a candle. Sex had become a chance to conquer and until that moment, the kiss, the touch, the ability to say "no" "stop" I can't.." it's to soon" wasn't enough to win. Even with one night stands, somehow it was the conversation and alcohol that lead up in the buff. Foreplay was pulling out blocks of darkness, parts of strangers accepting an invitation to be seen. I realized very early in life, the one without the penis loses. So after many nights with broken men, I trained myself to hold a penis. To shut down after the performance and abruptly eject the entertain out of my space. Afterward, the space invaded could not jump up and wash off in the sink. What loser wants company and a party after the game is lost. No matter how hard I had become, I lacked the one tool it took to penetrate, to invade the mind and soul in the same stroke.. I had penis envy, it crippled me yet kept me whole until I meet this man. The man I married and in doing so I let myself down by becoming a woman. Maybe I simply realized I had been a woman all along, and somewhere beyond anything i was able to recognize in myself or touch, I wanted to be married, adored, loved and cherished. I wanted someone else to give me all the things I had neglected to give myself. This blog if for me to get over my fear of myself. The ugly truth of what I have been threw in this marriage, the ability to receive a the gift of freedom my mind found my legs to stand on, better yet to finally walk away.
